Hello Lupron Headache

Hello Lupron Headache . . . .

Why hello! I was wondering how long it would take you to arrive.  I knew to expect you, I just didn’t count on you showing up so soon, so unexpected. 

Argh…I did Lupron injections during IVF #1 ….I did Gainarelix (spelling?) during numero dos….So, its been a while.. I’m not one to have severe side effects from fertility drugs (if you don’t count the rage, mood swings, need to break things…) but I did have some headaches from Lupron the first time.  It just seems like it took it a tid bit longer to get into my system than one measly injection. 

All complaining aside, the shot went fairly well..If you’ve given yourself one shot, you’ve given yourself a million. 

This morning I started 2mg of Estrace, that will be done morning and evening..I did use Estrace the last time, just a blue pill, no biggy, right? 

The things we ladies do to have children…

God's Perfect Timing...

God’s perfect timing…

I have been studying Baby Hunger (an amazing book by Beth Forbus) on and off for a while now.  Today, I started reading Zacharias & Elizabeth’s story again.  This story is a perfect example of how God does things in His perfect time.  Sometimes, that concept is *SO hard for me to grasp.  We have been through so much - first cancer, and for the past two and a half years, infertility.  I’m tired of waiting..I am READY.

Zacharias and Elizabeth were amazing people.  Always doing things according to God’s will, and living the life that a Christian couple should live.  They were very deserving, outstanding people.  The only thing wrong with Zacharias and Elizabeth was the thing that has proven to be a hurdle for so many of us: they could not conceive.  We can all mostly relate to this.  We are good people.  We live our lives the right way.  We would make wonderful parents, raise our children in church, provide a loving and stable household for our children – yet we have been through relentless cycles, needle pokes, and negative tests.  Why is it fair that the couple that is addicted to drugs, who fights constantly, and do so many un-Godly things, can bring home children, yet we can’t? Why can the 15 year old girl, who has just began living herself, get pregnant, but I can’t?  I know I’m not alone..I’m not the only person who has felt this way. 

Beth Forbus writes, “You may have felt that God is punishing you for some wrong you have committed, or perhaps punishing your spouse…”  I, personally, have had that exact same sentence run through my head.  She then writes “God had a purpose and a plan for this couple (Zacharias & Elizabeth) and for their child.  He had an appointed time for this child to be born.  This child was a child of purpose...”  God knew that their child was destined to be someone special.  Jeremiah 1:5 says, ““Before I formed you in the womb I knew[a] you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”  Had God not made Elizabeth barren, and then filled her womb in that particular time in her life, perhaps they would have not borne John the Baptist! 

So, you see, maybe God IS waiting on the perfect time to fill your womb.  He already knows which child is destined to be YOUR child.  He already knows your perfect match.  Whether it be through adoption or pregnancy, God already has MY child picked for me.  I just have to learn to wait for His timing. 

   

Today I just feel..

Today I just feel….

Today I just feel numb.  When battling infertility, you have to train yourself to become numb, in a sense.  You battle a number of different emotions during the process.  Some days I am so angry that I feel like I could strangle any and every fertile woman out there.  (that is something considering as far as we know, I am super fertile.)  Other days, I’m so sad, that dragging myself out of bed and getting ready to face the day just wears me down.  On the rare occasion, I am actually able to look at a baby bump, or a newborn, and think “someday that will be me.”  Then there are days like today..days when the only word that could possibly be used to describe my mood would be numb… I am impartial..I am just going through the motions until 5 o’clock so I can go home and shut myself up away from everything. 

misc. monday!

link up here <3

one.> family reunion…saturday was out family reunion! we haven’t had one since i was a freshman in high school, which was 2001! it was great seeing my grandmother with all of her sisters, and one brother that are still living.  my grandmother is 90, and the oldest of the siblings still alive.  here is a picture of them sharing a few laughs!

<two.> i hate reclipsen and estrogen.  seriously.  i know that I need it for my fet, but it gives me the major munchies.

<three.> lazy sunday.  those are my favorite kinds! i lounged on the chase all day with my little pup and watched  movies.  sometimes you just need a good day of nothing but rest after a long week!



Needles, needles, and wait! MORE needles!

Needles, needles, and wait! MORE needles!  The story of my life.. This is my third time to get a delivery in the mail like this…my third time to get that gut wrenching pain in the pit of my stomach..blagh.. This is my first actual Frozen Embryo Transfer – the first time we have had an embryo make it to blast to be frozen.  So, meds, wise, it doesn’t seem as bad.  Couple packs of needles, alcohol wipes, gauze pads, a 14 day supply of Lupron, a bottle of Progesterone in Oil, Estradiol pills, and last, but certainly not least, 1 little Valium to keep me calm on transfer day, Lord willing I make it that far.  So, from what I understand, after my baseline and blood work on the 30^th, I should only have a few visits total to check lining and things like that.  So, all in all, if you don’t account for all of the headaches and night sweats that Lupron bring, and the horrible hormones, acne, and sore hiney that go along with PIO, shouldn’t be too bad…Should it??

Round two and a half...

Argh, I'm a horrible blogger.  Figured it was about time to update this thing! My last post back in April was about finding the strength to try again.  After our second failed IVF, I will admit, I was a wreck.  I went through the motions during the day - wake up, eat breakfast, put a smile on my face and head to work...It was so mentally exhausting to me that by the time I got home at 5 pm, I would spend the better part of 3 hours either being snappy at my husband, or, when he was working nights, crying for hours.  I couldn't even pray.  I was just so angry, so defeated.  This, my friends, was depression.  When I finally accepted that I had been through too much to deal on my own, I began taking Celexa ( per doctors orders, of course.)  After about a month, I started feeling like myself again.  I started smiling again.  I accepted the fact that I may never carry my child, but no matter how that little one came home, he/ she would be my miracle, and would be loved unconditionally.  So, after mass efforts to spread the word that we were ready to become parents, no matter what, everyone in our small town knows our story of cancer survival and infertility, and everyone knows that we would love to adopt.  We've had several phone calls from people asking if it was ok to share our numbers, etc with "someone they know who is thinking about adoption."  So far, no call backs, but I am so thrilled that people are so aware of our story.  I have also began helping FaithnFertility out some with Face Book posts, etc.  This has helped me in SOOOO many ways..I have learned about SOOO many other types of infertility that people struggle with while doing research for FNF topics. Posting on FNF, starting discussions, being a part of what SO many women, and men, have to say on how they feel..Man, there is nothing like in..In a world where I felt so alone, there are SO many people out there like me! FNF has brought us all together! Visit FNF to find out how you can help!

At this point, I am not sure if I will ever feel ok to do another full IVF cycle.  Emotionally, physically, it takes a toll... The nearest clinic is Memphis, TN, a two hour drive from our home in west TN.  Time off of work, hormones, experiencing loss.. Mentally, I'm not sure I will ever be there.  Our doctor did, however, offer us a deal we could not turn down on a Frozen Embryo Transfer.  Our second IVF resulted in the freezing of one, tiny little 6 day blast ( I have named what I am convinced is a him, Javier...Where did I get Javier you ask? The movie Courageous of course!)  I know stats wise, embryos sometimes don't thaw, and most of the time don't result in pregnancy.  But I can't hang on to him forever.  So, one week ago today, I began BCP for this frozen embryo cycle.  I hopefully being Lupron injections after my May 30th visit, and, if everything goes as planned, we will transfer the week of June 18. 

Our infertility as been a defining factor in my life.  As horrible as it is, it has made me the person that I am today.  I am so compassionate about this cause, and I hope that by spreading the word, more people will come forward with their battle and not try to fight it alone!

The Strength to Try Again...

How do we find the strength to try again after a failed cycle...and then another failed cycle..It's amazing what our minds and our bodies can endure. The questions that run through my mind after each failed IVF... Why is this happening to me? What am I doing wrong? Why am I being punished while everyone else can build a family? ...And the main two that I struggle with are 1.) Haven't we already been through enough? ( My husband is a cancer survivor = the reason for our infertility) and 2.) If I were healthier, would my embryo's have wanted to stick around? When my first IVF failed, I went through a period of mourning my lost babies, but held a little bit of optimism. After about a week, I geared up and starting saving, planning, preparing to try again. We had no frozen embryos from this cycle, so we knew it would be another fresh cycle. With our second failure in October of 2011, came a whole new set of emotions. I went through a phase where I was so angry at myself, my doctors, and at one point, even God. After all, we only had 3 vials of sperm frozen prior to Matt's chemotherapy, and now 2 of them were gone. I also suffered from depression. I never wanted to be the person who had to rely on medication to feel better. But after weeks of spending every afternoon and evening crying and living in confinement away from any chance that I may see a pregnant person, or a baby, I began taking Celexa, which I took for 4 months. I have been off of it for about 4 weeks now, and so far so good. I decided that 2012 would be a better year for me. I would try to become a healthier (both mentally and physically) version of myself. We also made the decision that we wanted to explore private adoption. Our story on FNF has been shared hundreds of times. I am emotionally in a better state now than I have been since before we began ART. While I don't want to do another fresh cycle anytime in the near future, I have agreed to a FET in June. We did have one little embryo make it to freeze with our second IVF. The realization that I will become a mother one day, whether that child is genetically "ours" or not, has given me the strength to try again. I have also set a personal goal for myself. I WILL run a 5k at least one time before thaw day. I have never been able to run, and so I decided that this year I am going to get in shape, and I WILL learn how to run. I began week 4 of a 9 week Couch-to-5k program, and am so happy to say that tonight I hit the half way mark, and successfully ran half of the 5k. This in itself is a milestone for me. I have also offically lost 10 pounds! I know this may seem silly, but God willing, our embryo survives thaw and is transferred, I will KNOW that I am not to blame. I will know that I am healthy, physically and emotionally, and that I have prepared my body for pregnancy.

How do you find the strength to try again?